People who made a concerted effort to be celibate freaked me out. I couldn’t understand why one would not test the milk before buying the cow. The whole notion of saving yourself until God presented the “right” one, left me a bit…flabbergasted. Why would you not want to know if you’re fully compatible before committing yourself? I’m not saying you need to go out there and be a ho, but I am suggesting that you may want to kick the tires and drive the car before you purchase. Then one day that all changed for me.
For the last two years of my life, I have been celibate…and reluctantly so. My reluctant celibacy began after a break up of my two-year relationship with my then boyfriend. When I finally stopped licking my wounds two months had passed and I was feeling the “urge to merge”, but I wasn’t ready to introduce anyone new to my va-jay. I’m not one for one night stands and I could not bear a bad sexual experience with a casual friend. Nor could I have pity sex with my ex, because an ex is an ex for a reason, so speaking to him to “get some” after I tried long and hard (pardon the pun) to cleanse myself of him emotionally, spiritually and physically was somehow out of the question.
Before long two months turned into six and that six turned into a year and boy was that a rough year. It’s hard being a woman in the sexual prime of her life and not getting any! But I persevered and after realizing that a whole year had passed, which I marked each month, (because I knew date and hour that I last had any) I was actually amazed and astonished that I had completed such a feat.
As year one rolled on and the months started to add up, I realized a few things about myself (besides being terribly horny), I gained more insight on myself and what I wanted from a partner, and most importantly, I began to understand my own personal power. I began to notice how my attitude and disposition had changed and once I opened up my thinking I realized that I had learned all sorts of lessons about my celibacy. Here are a few of them:
Letting go of a relationship that isn’t benefitting you is the right thing to do
I’m guilty of holding on to someone because I didn’t want to be alone. I think we’ve all done it at some point in our life. My ex and I had reached a point of laziness in our relationship, where we didn’t want to work hard for it. This lead to arguments, which lead to tension, which lead to more arguments; we both knew that we’d reached a point where it couldn’t go any further. We didn’t want the same things out of life and we weren’t growing together, but we held on for months knowing it wasn’t going to last. We were no longer holding each other up, but instead bringing each other down. He finally left and I picked up my pieces and retreated. Good sex is nothing when you aren’t happy with the person you’re sexing. A whole and complete relationship requires both parties to be in and fully committed. I didn’t make a mistake by letting go.
Celibacy isn’t a death sentence
There were times that I thought I was going to die… D-I-E! Not having sexual contact is a killer, and I don’t know how those who take the vow of celibacy do it. The lack of sex can play with your mind and objects begin to look like phallic symbols, and let’s face it, no man can ever live up to these fancy vibrators. Those things will have you acting like a crack fiend and thinking that you’ll never need human contact again, so throwing that option into the trash along with the other do-it-yourself devices was difficult but it contributed to my growing confidence and acceptance of my single celibate status
Being sexless gave me time to focus on me
After I stopped obsessing over what I didn’t have, I began to see that all the energy that I was spending worrying about my current situation, and where that energy could be better used in more productive and positive ways. Such as focusing on my career change and nourishing my current relationships with family and friends.
I take my time now
I’ve been on a few dates in the within these last two years, and now I find myself taking my time to get to know a potential suitor. I listen intently and look to see if this is someone I want to get involved with. Is this someone I want to give my time and attention to, let alone my body? I’m the captain of the ship, and if he isn’t interested in how I want to pace things then he can surely move on with no hard feelings (pun intended).
I’ve become clear as to what I want
The first step in knowing what you want is to know what you want, and that takes clarity. Clarity takes time along with quiet contemplation. In my contemplation I arrived to the conclusion that I no longer wanted casual sexual relationships (which was being offered to me), overall quality in who I spent my time with was more important. Besides, I’ve saved up my cookies, and I just don’t want to give them away to the first pretty face.
I’ve learned to put myself first
Not in an egotistical way, but in a way that raises me up and keeps me working for my best, at my best, and then I can give my best. Sex and love are amazing, but if you don’t first learn to love who you are and tend to your life, you can’t bring someone else into your fold. How do you expect to love someone when you don’t love you? I’ve learned to love and nurture who I am first giving myself what I need before I can go out and give myself to the world, be it an intimate relationship or any other personal relationship.
Being reluctantly celibate has taught me some valuable life lessons that I didn’t know I needed, but that I’m very grateful for. As to date, I’m still celibate but not as reluctant. I’ve found more of myself through this process, so now I’m one of those people who I was once freaked out by, and now I embraced that freaky aspect of me.
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